Guest post by Gwen Sinclair
My son died from suicide.
I knew he was having problems financially (which I tried my best in helping as little as I could), depression was something he struggled with his whole life, alcohol was a place he would do any chance he got if he wasn’t working.
He had an extremely good job he was a land road surveyor. Cameron always helped others. He would give his money to freely to the homeless, friends, family, always wanting to take care of people. He struggled to ever put himself first.
He was the joker of any gathering, putting smiles and laughter in everyone’s life. He was the most lovable 21-year-old I have ever met. In fact, when Cam would come home for a weekend if he didn’t have a friend staying with him, we would cuddle together eating popcorn, watching movies, chatting till we would fall asleep.
There is not one thing Cameron would do to hurt anyone.
My son never wanted help. He wanted to be the helper of all. If you cried, he cheered you up. If I was happy, he was happy. If I was stressed, he always brought me back up.
Yes, indeed he was my youngest child, only son, and my baby!
December 14, 2019 I awoke up to a text message that said. ‘I love you but I am leaving you tonight I’m sorry…..’ this young adult boy even put sorry in his good bye note to me, which I know he so deeply. He knew those simple two words would help me along the way.
After calling him repeatedly, texting him back, calling friends but no answers, my mind was spinning. I ran around my house in my nightgown when I woke up, to see he had messaged me that at 2:15am, I read it at 5:30am.
I felt this just is not possible can’t be! Honestly, I thought okay, this is the worse joke ever. Still in panic, I couldn’t make the just about 2 hour drive as I was shaking, shocked, hysterical.
Finally, at 7:18 I talked to a roommate of his, and she looked in his room but didn’t see him. She went out looking for him in fear that he was to intoxicated and maybe was cold laying in the snow and couldn’t answer his cell.
The whole time I called and sent messages to my son he was still alive. He sent his last text out at 7:19 right after he heard his roommate check his room.
His last text was to a friend that read ‘I’m Fucked’.
My son sat inside his closet and choked himself with his own belt that put him unconscious and led to choking on his own vomit. I feel this was accidental and he thought he would be heard and found in time. He sent me a text completely drunk and still living 5 hours after it was sent.
This young boy had just graduated university and moved away from home 8 months earlier. He sank into depression I feel of being a adult/alcohol and didn’t know how to let people know that this fun, jokester was feeling so detached from the world of pure darkness of depression.
I believe to this day it was a cry for help that went totally wrong, not the way he intended it to go.
I have such hard days, yet I have such happy days. I will never give up on finding myself back.
Sure, some days I just cry, but most days I smile, laugh, joke. My son always wanted his Momma Bear to be happy. I know his suicide had nothing to do with anybody but this young amazing boy who fell into a great deep depression where he felt pain that he just wanted to not feel anymore.
Yes, we all are victims when it ends in suicide. The why? What if’s? And so on.
My son and I had a tremendous bond, we were so close. He knew and knows I loved him and vice versa.
People tell me there is guilt to suicide. Not once did I feel any guilt at all. We do not choose of our loved one taking their own life, they know we love them.
They certainly know they can come to us for anything, but depression can really strike at any time. I know my son doesn’t want me to be sad. I know he doesn’t want his legacy to be that his death destroyed me, so every day I strive to be more like him.
Happy, joking, kind. Helping people who need someone to talk to.
I did a stage presence to talk about addiction and the struggles it brings to. I told my sons story to make his memory continue on to others, and hopefully help others who think they can get themselves out of life and death situations when you simply can’t but alcohol makes your judgment completely wrong.
Have I forgiven my son? Yes. He said he was sorry in his note. He knew I needed that, and when it comes down to it, it was alcohol that took my sons life.
My sons gone, but I know we still have a connection in a new way. I know he checks up on me. I know he sends me beautiful reminders that he’s still watching over me.
Death didn’t break our love or bond. Death gave us other ways to communicate.
Will I get over this 100%? No, I never will, but I also know that I have to live and be happy.
That’s the way he would want me to be so that’s the way I strive every day to be.
Cameron’s Momma Bear, Forever 21
Gwen Sinclair continues to honor her son Cameron by telling his story.